I need to get confident. I need to be colder, harsher & speak what’s on my mind. If I don’t I’ll never get anywhere. I’ll never get what I want.
I want to go home. I want the safety, security & good energy of my house. I don’t feel good & my head is in a terrible state. I need some spiritual healing.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how far to go. It is driving me crazy.
Contact with my Dad is always, always bittersweet. The cold hearted part of me just thinks that one email a month (or even less frequent) really doesn’t constitute for, well, anything. It just upsets me & frustrates me & always sets me off thinking about things I shouldn’t. However. The other half of me (the half that misses him) is grateful for any contact whatsoever. I hate how someone has that emotional power over me, makes me feel so weak.
Sex would be nice.
I dislike uncertainty and the feeling of not knowing how to deal with what’s eating at you.
You know that niggling feeling you get when you think about something you wish you hadn’t done, or wish you had? Well I’ve got that right now. Like a motherfucking jackhammer from the front of my brain to the base of my skull.
Saw some family today for lunch, an impromptu meeting. Ended up going shopping too. It was wonderful. I’ve missed those ladies so much.
Saw Simone & Mike in Starbucks which was another pleasant surprise. Bummed around some shops with them scouring for Halloween stuff, which failed, unfortunately.
Things didn’t exactly go to plan. We never got coffee. But I ended up going to hers & just watching TV & chatting. It was lovely. I was so nervous for nothing, it felt natural & nice just sat together and laughing. I am NOT going to get ahead of myself. I’m laying down that ground rule now. I am no closer to breaking your poker face & exposing your feelings & emotions. And that’s fine for the moment. Though I’ve got a horrible feeling mine might be slipping. At least I definitely know what’s going on in my mind now. Finally.
I am allowing myself a brief moment of blind panic and madness. I am fucking nervous. I’m pathetic, it’s pretty funny really. I’m twenty and still intimidated by girls. It’s nothing anyway. Just coffee. I am ridiculous. It’s just the fact I haven’t done anything like this for like three fucking years. Cut me some slack. Tonight is my freaking out time. Tomorrow morning is my time to calm the FUCK down and be cool. OK?